Talking to Myself

As positive and hopeful as I might seem, I have absolutely no idea where I want my future or where my future is headed. I have a dream and a goal, and that is about it. I let the future worry for itself; the rest will fall in place accordingly. Our present words and actions are current, but they do not set the future.

In this instance, the scope of identity and fishing for other’s desire in you should be your last worry. It cannot be easily adaptable or changeable. Likewise, the distance you cast your line will be difficult as you try to progress. This is when you must realize that your bait is much farther away from you, farther away from who you really are. Stop fishing if you cannot make do from it. Start becoming honest with yourself and be proud. The chance of someone appreciating your bait of false identity differs from time to time. Indeed, the reward becomes much more satisfactory if we take the place of our bait and try to become part of everyone else. In reality, yes, this is just as difficult, if not, more difficult to be seen and accompanied by those fish you once caught off guard. Nevertheless, take a moment to accept the cliché: there are plenty of fish in the sea. I guarantee if you take time swimming around in your reality you will not feel so alone, hopeless, and unnoticed having been absent from your true identity.

I can testify to the block of text above. For now, they are just possible words of truth without credibility. However, my junior to senior years of high school became the years when I accepted who I really turned out to be. I did not want my identity to be configured through other’s thoughts and questions through me. “How was your day?” “Fine.” “He seems like a good guy; he’s got his life figured out.” No, and no it was not fine. The entire day I was depressed because I felt as if no one understood what I was internally going through. I see no light at the end of the miserable tunnel. After hours and hours of mental pain and self-destruction, I forced myself to come to a conclusion. I knew I wanted positivity, because every time I searched for the easy way out, I imagined the worst-case scenarios. No, positivity would not come easy, but I finally knew it. It was time to become honest towards others. I am alone, hopeless, anxious, and mentally confused, contradicting, distracted, delusional, and depressed. “Fine” turned into “terrible” or “life sucks and my future is going downhill, but who cares?”

For those who previously reached for responses through their false bait, this is when I actually began to receive legitimate questions and responses. “Oh, do you want to talk about it?” “Is there any way I can help?” “I can relate,” etc… Just barely over a year or more later I began to see a difference in people and myself. I was opening up, giving pride to negativity. I literally felt a wave of new perspectives about me flow through others. As a result, it was not attention that I wanted; it was truth. I hated seeing lies and dishonesty in others and myself. 

Confidence, lastly, is not the “key” towards leading a more content, positive life. Honesty and an openness of heart is what will build confidence. I will not keep distorting the image of reality in order to make believe a life full of opportune adventure and perfect people. Therefore, I urge anyone and everyone to accept their identity while making the most of their current situations. You know the direction of the present, so long as you become honest with yourself. With this in mind, the course of your actions will develop significant aspects of your future.

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